...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
