She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just gargled with NyQuil
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
