doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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