my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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