You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
