if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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