omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
