i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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