tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
