Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
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All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
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So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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