I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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