I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
