one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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