she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
