Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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