Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
