so that wasnt chicken after all
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
