She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
