Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
