I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
