I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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