I think I won the penis lottery.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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