i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
