Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize