it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I am mentally ready for anal.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
