I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
