hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
