Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
