update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
