I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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