I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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