remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
