The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
