I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Did I show you my penis last night?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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