If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You were trust falling into bushes
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
