No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
