My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
