I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
