Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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