Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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