no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
wrigley field is MILF paradise
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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