She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
