I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
