Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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