There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
So squirting runs in the family.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize