Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
