i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
So here I am, sexting at work.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
