I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
