just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.