Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"