good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
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