we have pet lesbian snakes
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
