I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
