i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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