You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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