I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
