Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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