Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
