I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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