my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
